Watch it for:
* decent soundtrack (with a Fine Young Cannibals song, yay).
* bravely pushes the tabboo of sex among the over 50's.
Avoid it for:
* for a Rom Com it somewhat lacks both romance and comedy.
* some bits were borderline mentally scarring for me!
Sunday 31 January 2010
Sunday 24 January 2010
Die Another Day [Film]
Watch it for:
* really interesting Bond girls.
* really interesting Bond villains.
Avoid it for:
* awful, awful dialogue.
* really interesting Bond girls.
* really interesting Bond villains.
Avoid it for:
* awful, awful dialogue.
Son of Rambow [Film]
Watch it for:
* 80's Britain nostalgia.
* really satisfying ending.
* loads of heart.
Avoid it for:
* not exactly gripping.
* 80's Britain nostalgia.
* really satisfying ending.
* loads of heart.
Avoid it for:
* not exactly gripping.
Poetry Exercise - Amphibrachs (Peregrine Praise)
This poem is a tetrameter of amphibrachs (di-DUM-di x4). May add more at a later date to cover other aspects of the peregrine if I feel like it. As I say, it's an intellectual exercise with the meter - don't expect anything funny or profound. Although might be worth reading just for getting DDT into a poem.
Peregrine Praise
Prepare for the funkiest bird on the planet
For nothing can better a peregrine falcon.
Its stoop is amazing – incredibly speedy:
Three hundred kilometres flown in an hour so
No creature exists on the Earth that is faster.
Unfortunately in the Fifties and Sixties
The number of peregrine falcons declined due
To Dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane
But nevertheless they recovered since then and
It's testimony to their wondrous design that
No other carnivorous bird is as widespread.
So let's raise a cheer for the peregrine falcon
A bird that excels and a beautiful marvel.
Peregrine Praise
Prepare for the funkiest bird on the planet
For nothing can better a peregrine falcon.
Its stoop is amazing – incredibly speedy:
Three hundred kilometres flown in an hour so
No creature exists on the Earth that is faster.
Unfortunately in the Fifties and Sixties
The number of peregrine falcons declined due
To Dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane
But nevertheless they recovered since then and
It's testimony to their wondrous design that
No other carnivorous bird is as widespread.
So let's raise a cheer for the peregrine falcon
A bird that excels and a beautiful marvel.
Friday 22 January 2010
Brick [Film]
Watch it for:
* astonishingly original twist on a genre.
* very smart.
Avoid it for:
* some will find the terseness dull.
* astonishingly original twist on a genre.
* very smart.
Avoid it for:
* some will find the terseness dull.
Thursday 21 January 2010
Aberdonian Dream
OK, this is my first attempt with the Rubaiyat form. Feels quite good for bombastic storytelling. Be warned, possibly my smuttiest poem ever.
Aberdonian Dream
I dreamt a man from Aberdeen
With hair so brown and eyes so green
That strangely stripped before my eyes
And then performed some acts obscene.
I wondered what he had in mind
When he began to bump and grind
But my suspicions were confirmed;
He turned and waggled his behind.
Aghast I looked the other way
And saw a nun who bade me pray -
We knelt. His lust accosted her
And they in sinful union lay.
But this perversion was the least;
For waving oil he lured a priest.
The three of them entwined like snakes
And slipp'ry too, now fully greased.
“A-Ha!” he yelled. “I'll soon explode.”
He spasmed then and loosed his load
And leaving nun and priest behind
Towards me winked and quickly strode.
Then to my rescue leapt a hound.
The massive beast let out a sound
To chill the blood of any man.
Fangs dripping drool, it pawed the ground.
A charge. A crash. A mournful pile...
I underestimate his guile.
Those tangled limbs reformed anew;
The hound is learning doggy style.
I uttered words profane and terse
And thinking things could get no worse
Tried to escape but found my way
Was blocked by a funereal hearse.
Then to my side he slyly slid
And lifted up the coffin lid.
“A-Ha! A corpse. I see he's stiff!”
I will not tell you what he did.
Despite this man's perverted quest
(Who wandered round my mind undressed)
He clearly had great stamina
And so my eyebrow rose, impressed.
“A-Ha!” he cried. “I have a lot
Of wood to spare 'cos I'm a Scot.
A Scottish pine is evergreen.
Now come and join me, will you not?”
And at that point I yearned to see
Quite what he had in store for me
And wondered just how wrong it was
To yield to curiosity.
I'm sure that you would like to know
The details of our to and fro
Unfortunately though for you
That's somewhere I'm not gonna go.
If you persist in seeking more
I'll say he left me feeling sore;
So many hours I used my parts
In ways I never had before.
Aberdonian Dream
I dreamt a man from Aberdeen
With hair so brown and eyes so green
That strangely stripped before my eyes
And then performed some acts obscene.
I wondered what he had in mind
When he began to bump and grind
But my suspicions were confirmed;
He turned and waggled his behind.
Aghast I looked the other way
And saw a nun who bade me pray -
We knelt. His lust accosted her
And they in sinful union lay.
But this perversion was the least;
For waving oil he lured a priest.
The three of them entwined like snakes
And slipp'ry too, now fully greased.
“A-Ha!” he yelled. “I'll soon explode.”
He spasmed then and loosed his load
And leaving nun and priest behind
Towards me winked and quickly strode.
Then to my rescue leapt a hound.
The massive beast let out a sound
To chill the blood of any man.
Fangs dripping drool, it pawed the ground.
A charge. A crash. A mournful pile...
I underestimate his guile.
Those tangled limbs reformed anew;
The hound is learning doggy style.
I uttered words profane and terse
And thinking things could get no worse
Tried to escape but found my way
Was blocked by a funereal hearse.
Then to my side he slyly slid
And lifted up the coffin lid.
“A-Ha! A corpse. I see he's stiff!”
I will not tell you what he did.
Despite this man's perverted quest
(Who wandered round my mind undressed)
He clearly had great stamina
And so my eyebrow rose, impressed.
“A-Ha!” he cried. “I have a lot
Of wood to spare 'cos I'm a Scot.
A Scottish pine is evergreen.
Now come and join me, will you not?”
And at that point I yearned to see
Quite what he had in store for me
And wondered just how wrong it was
To yield to curiosity.
I'm sure that you would like to know
The details of our to and fro
Unfortunately though for you
That's somewhere I'm not gonna go.
If you persist in seeking more
I'll say he left me feeling sore;
So many hours I used my parts
In ways I never had before.
Sunday 17 January 2010
Apostrophilia
A silly little poem I've just written. Worryingly, it may actually serve a practical use...
Apostrophilia
Some folk love food and drink and sleep,
Some love the birds and bees,
Some love to rule, some love to serve,
I love apostrophes.
It's such a versatile thing
And that can muddle folk.
You get it right, you show your wit -
But wrong and you're the joke.
A kid's ability to place
It in the right position
Depends on who kids' teachers are
And if they have precision.
"But is it used possessively
Or to abbreviate?"
It's easy when you know its role;
This knowledge feels... Great!
So as you see, Apostrophe
Is like a thing divine.
It isn't God's nor Zeus's though,
Nor Jesus' – it's MINE!
Apostrophilia
Some folk love food and drink and sleep,
Some love the birds and bees,
Some love to rule, some love to serve,
I love apostrophes.
It's such a versatile thing
And that can muddle folk.
You get it right, you show your wit -
But wrong and you're the joke.
A kid's ability to place
It in the right position
Depends on who kids' teachers are
And if they have precision.
"But is it used possessively
Or to abbreviate?"
It's easy when you know its role;
This knowledge feels... Great!
So as you see, Apostrophe
Is like a thing divine.
It isn't God's nor Zeus's though,
Nor Jesus' – it's MINE!
Avatar 3D [Film]
Watch it for:
* 160 minutes of pure WOW
* 3D giant blue humanoid alien love-making scene!
* a truly fascinating alien ecology
Avoid it for:
* to be the one person who hasn't seen it
* 160 minutes of pure WOW
* 3D giant blue humanoid alien love-making scene!
* a truly fascinating alien ecology
Avoid it for:
* to be the one person who hasn't seen it
Prince of Persia [PS3]
Play it for:
* phenomenally engrossing dialogue between the main two characters
* lush, LUSH visuals
* super duper acrobatic feats
Avoid it for:
* occasionally frustrating combat
* phenomenally engrossing dialogue between the main two characters
* lush, LUSH visuals
* super duper acrobatic feats
Avoid it for:
* occasionally frustrating combat
Wednesday 13 January 2010
Review of Reviews
I've realised all my reviews are pretty mundane. As a result I'm gonna completely change the format henceforth, and may apply these retrospectively...
*** UPDATE ***
This has now been done (17/01/2010).
*** UPDATE ***
This has now been done (17/01/2010).
Monday 11 January 2010
Thrush Cream Advert Slogan
Oh dear oh dear. Who on earth at Canesten allowed his to be the slogan for their thrush cream... "Leaving you feeling yourself again."
Yikes!
Yikes!
Sunday 3 January 2010
Ratchet & Clank: Quest for Booty [PS3]
Play it for:
* Rusty Pete the pirate
* moves the story on
Avoid it for:
* NO CLANK!
* Inferior in every way to Tools of Destruction
* Rusty Pete the pirate
* moves the story on
Avoid it for:
* NO CLANK!
* Inferior in every way to Tools of Destruction
Where The Wild Things Are [Film]
Watch it for:
* the adorable KW.
* a very emotive experience.
Avoid it for:
* too self-indulgent in places.
* the adorable KW.
* a very emotive experience.
Avoid it for:
* too self-indulgent in places.
Saturday 2 January 2010
Five Resolutions
OK, here are my five resolutions for 2010
1. To perfect and then maintain my BMI
2. To complete at least 20 games
3. To learn a new language or skill
4. To strengthen my spirituality
5. To visit two new countries
1. To perfect and then maintain my BMI
2. To complete at least 20 games
3. To learn a new language or skill
4. To strengthen my spirituality
5. To visit two new countries
Friday 1 January 2010
Five Things
Reflecting on the year gone by, many of us make resolutions for the next. And then the year after that, most of us realise that we didn't really keep those resolutions, and often go on to make the same ones again. This forgetfulness is a miraculous feature of the human experience, and I'm sure without the boon of mild oblivion most of us would go mad.
Anyway, here are the Five Things That I Really REALLY Should Have Learnt By Now, But Will STILL End Up Forgetting For 2010
1. If you stay in bed for just five more minutes, it'll be a helluva lot longer than five minutes.
2. If something seems too good to be true, alarm bells should ring in your head.
3. If you're going to jizz, don't do it before morning prayer.
4. Putting things in a safe place means you won't be able to find them.
5. You won't keep your resolutions, so don't make them.
Anyway, here are the Five Things That I Really REALLY Should Have Learnt By Now, But Will STILL End Up Forgetting For 2010
1. If you stay in bed for just five more minutes, it'll be a helluva lot longer than five minutes.
2. If something seems too good to be true, alarm bells should ring in your head.
3. If you're going to jizz, don't do it before morning prayer.
4. Putting things in a safe place means you won't be able to find them.
5. You won't keep your resolutions, so don't make them.
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