Aberdonian Dream

OK, this is my first attempt with the Rubaiyat form. Feels quite good for bombastic storytelling. Be warned, possibly my smuttiest poem ever.

Aberdonian Dream

I dreamt a man from Aberdeen
With hair so brown and eyes so green
That strangely stripped before my eyes
And then performed some acts obscene.

I wondered what he had in mind
When he began to bump and grind
But my suspicions were confirmed;
He turned and waggled his behind.

Aghast I looked the other way
And saw a nun who bade me pray -
We knelt. His lust accosted her
And they in sinful union lay.

But this perversion was the least;
For waving oil he lured a priest.
The three of them entwined like snakes
And slipp'ry too, now fully greased.

“A-Ha!” he yelled. “I'll soon explode.”
He spasmed then and loosed his load
And leaving nun and priest behind
Towards me winked and quickly strode.

Then to my rescue leapt a hound.
The massive beast let out a sound
To chill the blood of any man.
Fangs dripping drool, it pawed the ground.

A charge. A crash. A mournful pile...
I underestimate his guile.
Those tangled limbs reformed anew;
The hound is learning doggy style.

I uttered words profane and terse
And thinking things could get no worse
Tried to escape but found my way
Was blocked by a funereal hearse.

Then to my side he slyly slid
And lifted up the coffin lid.
“A-Ha! A corpse. I see he's stiff!”
I will not tell you what he did.

Despite this man's perverted quest
(Who wandered round my mind undressed)
He clearly had great stamina
And so my eyebrow rose, impressed.

“A-Ha!” he cried. “I have a lot
Of wood to spare 'cos I'm a Scot.
A Scottish pine is evergreen.
Now come and join me, will you not?”

And at that point I yearned to see
Quite what he had in store for me
And wondered just how wrong it was
To yield to curiosity.

I'm sure that you would like to know
The details of our to and fro
Unfortunately though for you
That's somewhere I'm not gonna go.

If you persist in seeking more
I'll say he left me feeling sore;
So many hours I used my parts
In ways I never had before.